Further the Nearer -- V2: Blue as My Soul

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Further the Nearer -- V2: Blue as My Soul Sunday, September 8, 2002 :: 06:42 p.m.

I know that it has been a long time since I have bloged. Sorry about that. A lot has been going down and for a point in time I was not able to get one the Internet for a while. A lot has happened since my last entry. School has started and it has been okay. But a lot of my friends have gone away to college and I miss certain ones more than others. I do not mean to be a jerk about it but I do. I started doing this to be truthful. So I am going to be truthful.

I was in a car accident last Thursday. My body was pretty soar afterward but I am okay. There is a good amount of frontal damage to my car so I m without it for a week or so. Hopefully I will get it back really soon so I am able to do the things that I need to and see the people that I want to see.

Well I am in a new band. We do not have a name yet but we are really, really, good. We are going to play some of my songs. It is going to be interesting though because we have a girl singer. Her name is Laura, she is really nice and she has a lot of fun singing. Dan, the drummer, is really good at what he does and he has only been playing for two years. Not to include Dan actually takes his job seriously and does not seem like my other drummers that will wither up and leave or just feel like he does not want to play for two long. The three of us have a lot in common. Now our only problem is we have no bassist. But we still sound awesome.

There has been a lot on my mind lately and I realize that there is a secret that I have and when the time is right it will eventually come out. Only a few people know about this secret. So if they do not say anything then it will stay a secret.

Things have been getting kind of hard lately. But I hope that things will se their way through the problems and over come the mountains of the hard parts of life. And when we reach the top and look down it will be the largest breath of fresh air. The way down is smooth sailing with a few bumps or two; which are not a problem.

Food For thought: If love is supposed to be a good thing; then why does it hurt so much?

Further the Nearer -- V2: Blue as My Soul Sunday, August 11, 2002 :: 09:36 p.m.

How come I feel that every time I open my mouth nothing but sh*t comes out? I don’t get it. Every time I try to say what is on my mind it comes out wrong or just not the way it should. I feel so pathetic. Maybe is should take a vow of silence this way I don’t screw things up so much. I am such a freaking screw up. Not only did I screw up last night and make someone that means a lot to me upset. But today was a day of beatings for me. I gashed my hand open while at work and blood was everywhere. My muscles are soar as if I was lifting weights; but I wasn’t and they are still soar.

I feel like I should just take off. Like I should just go. The thing is there is someone that holds me here and I do not want to leave them. I feel like I am heading down a road that leads nowhere. I mean seriously. I am trying to be famous playing music; how naļve can you be? Even if my music sounded good what are the chances of it? One and a billion? I even started praying again asking that I may have my dream come true, that I will be happy with that one special person (if they are reading they know who they are), that I will be able to tell them how I feel and what is on my mind without stumbling over my words. But even though I have been praying at times I feel like there is no one listening. I feel that the band AFI said it best “God called in sick today,” or maybe the band Fenix Tx said it best “Everything’s my fault.” And it seems that she must have called in sick today at times.

More than this by: Colin Andrew

It doesn’t make a difference, because you’re not listening to me I scream out loud in a room full of people, and no one hears the screeching I let my ears bleed and tear out my eyes, so I can pretend I can’t see or hear you But I do and it rips me apart, how much torture am I in for

Chorus: Can’t I be the best for once, get out and there and be someone Can’t it be more than this? I try so hard but it doesn’t make a difference, everything I say always turns to shit Can’t it be more than this?

I’m the gentle monster you lock in the closet, at night is my time of day Back to back I’ll face you, as you pull out your gun and stab me I’m not making sense but that is how you hear me, every time I open my mouth Wont you try and understand me for once, as I stand here screaming in a whisper

Make up your mind I am not waiting here forever, for you to turn and screw me over again So I will leave it all behind, and walk into the moonlit sunset

The funny thing is I am the one that is not listening.

Further the Nearer -- V2: Blue as My Soul Sunday, August 11, 2002 :: 01:48 p.m.

Why am I here? I ask myself that way too much. It just hurts sometimes to feel as alone as I do at times. The thing is one of my friends birthday was today. Happy birthday and you know who you are. I think I just realize that my birthday is never much. If I get lucky my family may say “happy birthday Colin,” and that is were Colin’s birthday fun ends. I can’t even remember the last time I saw a birthday cake. I can’t remember the last time a birthday rolled around and nothing went wrong. That is what gets me to ask the question; why am I here? The best way to describe how I feel was best said by Weezer; “the world has turned and left me here.”

Further the Nearer -- V2: Blue as My Soul Wednesday, August 7, 2002 :: 04:39 p.m.

It is kind of funny. I performed on Monday and afterward I felt very alone. Not to include I felt that I sounded like crap no matter how many people told me it sounded awesome. It was not a performance that I was very proud of. I have been trying so hard to reach my dream (being famous playing music). Now I feel that it is my time to make my dream come true.

Well yeah back to the whole people problem. It is kind of funny that someone’s feelings can cause him or her not to like another person. Jealousy causes people to do some very uncalled for types of things. The worst of all, in my opinion, would have to be when people try to turn one-person against another. That seems to be the case when it comes to a lot of the people I know lately. They all seem to be thinking in the “me, me, me, I, I, I,” sense of things. Doing almost anything to get what they want. Can’t things just be okay with being around a person or having them as a friend? Does life always have to be possessions? Do you always have to be with that someone? Can’t people wait to see if that someone comes to you?

Things have changed a lot in the past few days. A lot has well gone down. I have well been completely open about my feelings. Sharing them and just letting people know how I feel; whether or not it is good or bad. I just want people to know how I feel and what I have to say. Just as I want people to be brutally honest with me. Then again does being honest always have to be brutal? Can’t honesty be sweet and beautiful also? Or maybe it can be uplifting or informative.

Maybe all people seem to have now are their wants and desires. Rather than having a drive to be a good person.

Food foe Thought: Why are they called apartments if they are not built apart? They are built together.

Further the Nearer -- V2: Blue as My Soul Sunday, August 4, 2002 :: 11:02 p.m.

I feel like a leper. A person that is pushed away so much in society because of what they are. A person that understands more about people; because all they can do is sit and watch them rather than interact. I feel like my disease of wanting to know, of wanting to help the world and individual people, and just trying to be a good person has jaded me from people. I feel like a lost soul sometimes. Wandering looking for my place. Will I ever find it? I feel like I am going to be alone way to often; even though right now I know that I am not alone.

A religious leader would say the best road to heaven is the hardest road to walk. Sometimes I feel like I have always been on it; and even if I did want to get off I couldn’t because no matter what it is always hard. I am not very religious I do not feel that it is a road to heaven or a road to anywhere; maybe it is just my path. But I will walk my path with pride no matter how much I do not like parts of it. I can only be me and live my life. I am not going to try to live a different life or be something I am not. I am just going to be me like I have been.

That is all you can be is yourself.

Food for Thought: Ladies are tampons really the finger that won’t get you off?

Further the Nearer -- V2: Blue as My Soul Friday, August 2, 2002 :: 07:46 p.m.

P.S. I AM A ROCK STAR

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRNNNNN!

Further the Nearer -- V2: Blue as My Soul Friday, August 2, 2002 :: 07:31 p.m.

Some people in this world really make me angry. Especially the people that contradict themselves. I am in a situation were a lot of the people are getting angry or upset at me because of a friendship. I am not going to name any names, but those in the situation know who they are. Why is there so much confrontation when it comes to friendships? I mean, if someone wanted to talk to you about something don’t you think that they would have done it? If they want to talk to another friend about it; there is probably a good reason why. Maybe because the other person relates to the situation better, or they give better advice, or they are better at listening, or they do not judge you by what you say. It could be an endless list why; do not get upset with them. You will learn eventually what is wrong; that is if you are their friend.

Moving on. Last night was really hard on me. I have been working almost all of my life to get signed playing music. I have met many record reps, studio owners, managers, and agents. My only problem was for the longest time I did not want to get signed unless I had a band with me. It was not until this year I realized I write all of the songs and I do all of the work why not go solo. So I have been working on that this year. Well a friend of mine that I got turned on to writing her own music that has not done any real singing other than her school choir got this deal with a record rep to do some demos and she has only been working on her own stuff for like 2 months. It made me pretty depressed because I cannot perform any of my stuff really unless I have a guitar with me. It was pretty depressing to find that out. She did tell the guy about me and she is going to give him some of my stuff but the chances of him wanting to get me up and out there is slim to none. I don’t know it makes me feel like I should give it up at times. I sometimes feel like I should give up. But it has been my life long dream; so how can I just give that up?

Life seems like it only goes in circles, even when you feel like you are moving forward. Don’t look back. Keeping moving on even if you end up in the same spot. At least then you will know your way out of it. If you made the wrong decision the first time, then you have that second chance to make the right one.

Food for Thought: If love is a good thing why does it hurt so much?

Further the Nearer -- V2: Blue as My Soul Friday, August 2, 2002 :: 03:10 a.m.

I am going to do my best not to bore you with the whole introduction phase of meeting me. Isn’t that the point of making a web page like this in the first place; so you can get to know me? My name is Colin; if that matters to anyone. My friend Julia got me really turned on to starting this page. (Julia is my best friend; she is always there for me and makes me feel really good.)

I use to write a lot about what I thought and what was going on in my life, but I stopped because I thought and felt “what’s the point?” I figured no one will read what I was writing and it would not help anyone. But then Julia told me about having a “blog,” a place to just let it all out. A place, where my words can come out and make no sense as usual.

I probably should explain my title. “Further the Nearer.” If a person fears something, is annoyed by something or someone, or can no longer take a life style or treatment; they move further away from it. In turn they grow nearer to something else.

To me everything makes sense. All you have to do is figure it out. I am not scholar and I am no poet. I am a musician. :) I have been playing; well we will just say most of my life. It is very important to me, just as all the people around me are. As I continue doing this I will do my best to explain who everyone is and there significances to my life.

Food for Thought: Why do they have brail on drive-up ATM machines?